Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
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Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Hell yeah 👍
Accurate
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these