Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
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What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
how to have an accident 101
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic