Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
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A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Sending in my taxes
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Before & after 😅
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Check out the legs on this baby