Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
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Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope