Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

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News: Hillary won the debate!

My friends: Bernie won the debate!

Trump: I won the debate!

Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!


Him: *Head in hands*

Her: What’s happened?

Him: Well- I…I… I found this head


HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?

ME: my wife hears everything

HUSBAND 911: do I?

ME: what?

HUSBAND 911: what?


Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*

Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”


In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.


I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website


I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting


Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.