Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
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News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…