Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

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Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…


Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”


Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.


Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.


The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.


According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.


I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.


Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.


PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*