Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
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Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Love this one 😂🧟
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret