@Thing_Finder

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

You Might Also Like

@GregHenchman

Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…

@WilliamAder

Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”

@WilliamAder

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

@VerifiedDrunk

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

@BoutCrazed

The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.

@girlfr0g

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.

@knot_eye

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

@OutOfLeftField_

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

@teen_news69

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*