[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
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I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”