Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
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time machine? you mean a clock?
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
“A little help here, Danny?”
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.