Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
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Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*