Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
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My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.