someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
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*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.