Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
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Not recommended for beginners.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Gemma Correll
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
We need more people like this.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.