Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
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Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again