Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

Current mood: Potato

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear

me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”

All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila

Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?

Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol

put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.

Y’all know who you are.

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.

Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?

[archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

My time has come.

HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.