Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
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Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.