Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
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cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
This week’s mood.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.