Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
You Might Also Like
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
lol
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
The Onion called it…again.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.