Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
You Might Also Like
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming