Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
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Just parrot things
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
mood
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.