someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
You Might Also Like
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Animal poetry
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.