Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
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Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
My Plans 2020
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah