Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.

Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER

I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.

being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired

Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.

*walks into business conference*

*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*

*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do

Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels

i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?

Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly

A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good

“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.

Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake

The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.