Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
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The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”