Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
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My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital