Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
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I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
[shakes fist at other fist]
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.