Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
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This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
much to think about
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
this isn’t threatening at all
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed