[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
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Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say