Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
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I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.