Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
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wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
describing stardew valley
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus