“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
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If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
😆this is so true
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.