Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.

Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.

Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.

Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.

Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with

THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.

THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—

I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face

At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.

When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong

Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.

You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?

Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT

I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?

👀

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.

Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7

ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet

can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

‘High five!’

*steals your snacks, runs away

Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed

Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless

Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!

“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*