Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
You Might Also Like
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Watson was Holmes schooled
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.