Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
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Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*