somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
You Might Also Like
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?