Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
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Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
next level snooze
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
🖤✌🏽
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.