#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
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I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
From my Mom
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Yup!
Important
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.