Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
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German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?