Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
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Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.