Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
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Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I’m sorry…what?
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Just had my nails done!
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars