Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

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So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like


I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.


4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute

40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.


It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.


“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”

No, I bought them 15lbs ago


Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?


Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds

Friend: That just means it’s settling

My fiancee: *creaky sounds*


[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh


Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!