@blaha_Who
@bestestname So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
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@bestestname 
@Probgoblin I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
@AmericanGent69 4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
@JoeMeatloaf It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
@KalvinMacleod *tries to lose weight by talking about it*
@LuvPug “I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
@WilliamAder Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
@Browtweaten Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
@AnOrangeSNES [Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
@shaun__gunner Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!