Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
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[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.