Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
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me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
How software testing works
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
definitely did not do anything wrong
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”