@hardasamother

Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.

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@meganamram

Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies

@Jenny4ashley

On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..

How hung over are you?

@mattgallo123

Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.

@AndyAsAdjective

What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.

@apbenven

Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time

@WallStNerd

Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.

@thereverendcink

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.