Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
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im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
They’re really bad with fonts.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Haha! 😂
🙀🙀🙀😹
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.