Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
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Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
getting old is fun
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.