Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
You Might Also Like
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Human are so complicated
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Guy who likes music
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla