Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
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Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.