Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.

I’m still very hungry.

I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!

What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.

14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked

Me:

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.

Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?

“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”

*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

*explosion walks away from me in slow motion

this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.

if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it

[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!

Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.

*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.

My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!

Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.