@ActuallyEmerson
@felixoshea It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
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@felixoshea 
@FullofFrap This pepper has seen some shit
@MicheleAKALips My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
@IGotsSmarts Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
@Schroofles Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
@ThePopTartJesus Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
@Smethanie Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
@clichedout your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
@jojipaints I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
@TEXASVETERAN I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.