Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.

CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how

Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *

Day 1 of healthy eating

So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already

Day 2 of healthy eating

I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.

My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”

That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork

My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.

Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son

Me: I dunno probably street fighter

[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling

[Confessional Booth]

Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.

Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!

Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.

[restaurant]

WAITER: are you ready to order

DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it

DAD:

WAITER:

DAD: i’ll have the chicken

What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*

Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas

My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time

Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.