Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

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It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.


My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.


Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.


Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.


Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.


I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework