@ActuallyEmerson
@sofarrsogud [Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
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@sofarrsogud 
@JennyJohnsonHi5 Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
@wolfpupy i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
@DreamsSarcastic Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
@iRowlf Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
@Jarhead44 I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
@NikiWithIssues Who wants a serious blowjob? It’s like a normal blowjob but I’ll leave my glasses on.
@kolchak Every Adele song is about lasagna.
@hipstermermaid Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
@IngestMyBabies If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.