@ActuallyEmerson

Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

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@felixoshea

It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.

@MicheleAKALips

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

@IGotsSmarts

Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.

@Schroofles

Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.

@Smethanie

Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.

@jojipaints

I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework