Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
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At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
I will never stop laughing at this
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Don’t we all.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Happy thanksgiving
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!