@ActuallyEmerson

Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

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@hdaniels_00

When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver

@ch000ch

*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation

@withanewname

“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”

“What kind are you using?”

“Grape”

@rad_milk

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

@not_thenanny

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

@DamienFahey

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

@themorris23

Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:

The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.

@david8hughes

“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”

@robdelaney

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.