@ActuallyEmerson

Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

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@sofarrsogud

[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

@wolfpupy

i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead

@DreamsSarcastic

Why are you wearing that outfit again?

Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine

@iRowlf

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

@Jarhead44

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

@NikiWithIssues

Who wants a serious blowjob? It’s like a normal blowjob but I’ll leave my glasses on.

@IngestMyBabies

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.