@ActuallyEmerson
@hdaniels_00 When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
You Might Also Like
@hdaniels_00 
@ch000ch *puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
@withanewname “Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
@brandiwastaken Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
@rad_milk as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
@not_thenanny Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
@DamienFahey Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
@themorris23 Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
@david8hughes “911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
@robdelaney I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.