Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
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“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”