Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
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I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
*limbos away from your hug*
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside