Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
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Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
is this store having a stroke wtf
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
wow
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade