Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
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My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
opening twitter today
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit